While many at keeners wish to improve whitewater kayaking skills and form bonds that will last a lifetime, I on the other hand wish to walk the righteous path and reach the state of tan known only as “Browntown”. In an attempt to document my journey, I will lead you through the 7+ stages to the ultimate brown. As a wise man once said, sunscreen is for white people.
Stages I - III: The Phantom Brown, The Clone Brown, and Revenge of the Brown
Honestly, these stages aren’t even worth talking about, and are rather shameful if I do say so myself. Like the Star Wars prequels, we pretend that they don’t even exist.
Stage IV: A New Brown
At stage 4, the brown is very pronounced. A distinct life jacket tan line can be seen, or as former keener David Koyrakh said, “That’s not a tan line, that’s a race line.” Many compliments are given and much pride is taken in the brown.
Stage V: The Brown Strikes Back
“No sunscreen is the path to bad skin. No sunscreen leads to tan, tan leads to dry skin, dry skin leads to peeling.” - Definitely Yoda
Stage VI: Return of the Brown
Though through unfortunate genetics my skin dries out very quickly and thus peels easily, the Browni are not so easily beaten. Like a brown phoenix, in the smouldering pile of peeled skin, a new, more glorious tan is being reborn. At the end of week 2 at keeners, with dedication and lots of moisturizer, I am currently in-between stages V and VI, and hope to reach full stage VI by the end of the session.
Stage VII: The Browntown Awakens
The stories are real, all of them. Only after years of careful patience and dedication can one achieve Browntown, a tan so righteous that only a true Browni master could only dream of achieving.
Thank you all for joining me on this epic odyssey in my quest to achieve Browntown. They say that a new stage, Stage VIII, exists, but only whispers of its name are heard. Maybe we’ll see in the Christmas of 2017.
Credit: Anna Bruno
Till next time,
Bennett Fleming
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