How To Slay Phil's Hole - Hunter Gibson

So you want to slay Phil's hole? Well you want to ask one simple question first "is it thursday?". I'm joking. While we reserve Thursday's for Phil's surfs at Keeners,  you can slay Phil's any day of the week. You just need three things. One, a big lungful of air. Two, someone to save you. Three, an epic costume.

For number uno. This is not as simple as it seems. You are being constantly thrashed in water and have many very small windows to breathe. But you need to know exactly when your head is actually in air rather than water. This is surprisingly difficult to tell when you are in Phil's because most of the water is super aerated and you can't really feel which is which. Your time in air is so short and you are being tossed so violently by highly aerated water that you almost have to keep your eyes open while being surfed.

For number two. That is simple you can be a decent human being to other kayakers and they will be more than happy to save you. Or you can be a keener where your targets, I mean friends, will almost always save you. If you don't get your lungful and swim, you will be rescued into the football eddy. This is a huge swirling mass of water, kind of like a super large whirlpool, but in slow motion. This is where most of the water from the entire rapid goes. So rescues are fairly easy here. The only issue is how massive and strong the eddy is. This means that you must actually have to swim away from the shore and let the eddy carry you all the way around to shore. which is a weird and somewhat scary experience at first, but once you try to swim to shore you will realise the logic behind this.

Finally for number three. You need to stop by the dollar store before going to the river. Make sure you have duct tape to put on your costume. Buy a bunch of stuff that matches a theme, preferably something vicious like a princess. Then you duct tape the costume to your gear so you are intimidating for the hole. That way the hole will be scared of you and you will be able to surf and breathe easier. The hole will be scared of your princess costume and trash you less.

Once you have all of these things you will be able to slay Phil's hole with the best of them.

How to eat like a champion! - Jacob Walker

How to eat like a champion!

At keeners, food is as high a priority as kayaking it self. There is alway plenty of food, but you just have to get creative. My favorite breakfast food is chocolate chip pancakes topped with Nutella. It is the best way to combine protein and carbs to make the best breakfast that will get you started on the day and will give you lasting energy. I want to help everyone know how to have the breakfast of champions! 

Step 1. Follow the directions on the pancake mix.

Step 2. Pour pancake batter onto a hot buttered griddle. 

Step 3. Add chocolate chips- the more the merrier!

Step 4. Flip the pancakes once the top is bubbly. 

Step 5. Wait till the pancakes are golden.

Step 6. Remove the pancakes from heat and put them on a plate. 

Step 7. Take 2 from the plate. 

Step 8. Add Nutella, jam, syrup, sugar, butter, or just leave them plain!

Step 9. Enjoy! 

Step 10. Repeat steps 7-9 until you have satisfied your hunger.

Once you have completed these steps you will be able to have the energy to last till lunch, and your sweet tooth will be controlled as well! I eat at least 4 large pancakes a day, and I am on my way to being a champion, and you can be too!

Here is a fun video of pancake making!

-Jacob

The power of healing - James White

Over the course of the weekend our First Aid teacher, Jim Butterworth, taught trained us in Standard First Aid 'A'. Thankfully, all of us passed and are now certified. For those of you who do not know how to access a situation, hopefully I can help.
First, you must know that your number one priority is to keep yourself safe (better to have one person to deal with than two). Next, when approaching the injured person, look out for any hazards (Electric lines, loose branches, people, etc). When you reach the person, introduce yourself (if they don't already know you) and follow six simple steps, also know as S.A.M.P.L.E.

Signs and symptoms
Look for any bleeding, bruising, pain, and if they are conscious then you can ask them what hurts and what symptoms they are experiencing.

Allergies
Always remember to ask about their allergies. It could be vital to their lives. Allergies aren't     necessarily to food, but also to medicine such as Ibuprofen.

Medication
Medications are important, because certain medications affect others. For example, Ibuprofen numbs the effects of aspirin. Also, if they already have medicine to counteract what is happening

Past medical history
Knowing their history is important because it might help you know/figure out what is happening.  

Last meal
Remember that it is possible to be low on blood-sugar and that it is very important to eat food because food.

Events leading up to the incident
If you know what happened, you could save a lot of time. (it isn't hard to know that someone broke a leg when they jumped of a cliff and heard (and felt) a crack in their leg).

Thanks for reading my weekly blog post,
James White
Hey Dad & Judy

How the Keener Launch Ramp 2,0 came to be - Jacob Fulford

This is going to be an informative blog on how our keener certified launch ramp 2.0 came to be.

As a returning keener I was eager to arrive at keener ville, one of the  distinct features of this awesome place is the precarious, caution-taped launch ramp.

Both times I've been at keeners the launch ramp has been inactive due to either the water level being too high or the fact that it's now not safe to stand on. I personally have a longing desire to use the ramp but I fear that the opportunity to use the ramp won't arise

So as of lately our descent into the water has been rather bland. It only involves sliding down a steep gravel covered slope and then skipping across the water.

But all of that changed the other day, during one of the daily struggles to not be the last one on the water, instructor Clay Wright placed a decently sized log at the bottom of the slide in an attempt to deter us from using the slide. Keeners (being the adventurous type) saw this as a challenge and a brave few slid down anyways to knock the log off the path. The result of sliding down was that you went over the log became airborne; flying into the water.

Soon after we had people getting out of their kayaks climbing up the ramp to have a turn soaring off the water logged log.

Later that night a band of keeners searched the surrounding area for logs and branches of all shapes and sizes to increase the size and quality of the ramp

By the end of the night we found some plywood and part of a plastic fence and placed the flat board across all the other branches and wood to create a smoother ramp and then the fencing to make you go faster when going over the plywood.

Over all Keener Launch Ramp 2.0 is a weak imitation of the old one, but none the less it is still super fun. We are all grateful that our keener goddess (Anna) has allowed us to keep using the ramp and we hope that it stays in until the water rises.

here is a photo of Kaelin (12) doing super cool back grab!

AN ABSTRACTLY ASSIMILATED ASSESMENT OF AUDACIOUS ADVENTURE PART 2.

CHAPTER II

In Which There is a Decided Lack of Adventure

By the time Phil’s hole was done wrecking the child, nothing was left but a waterwing and a single tear. I don’t know, man; Google says that good blogs need a captivating opening line. And now that I’ve hooked you with a story far more interesting than this one, which will never be mentioned again, we move on to the extremely boring parts. Ah who knows, phil could make a good spinoff.  The whitehouse is a grey, kind of circly-ish thing in keenerville. And keenervile is this collection of grey, kind of rectangular prism-y things interspersed with a pine trees and/or animals that are helpful reminders of all the animals you could be seeing but aren’t because you’re in fricking keenervile, the middle of nowhere. To Carl, everything was a dusty grey. The buildings, the grass, all the elephants that weren’t being seen. The first few days yielded a decided lack of adventure because the title of the chapter said so. Carl attempted to pass the time.  He wrote half a fairy tale about and eggplant but he ended up having an inter-vegetable affair with a zucchini, or maybe it was a cucumber. Ah, who cares? They’re all just edible sticks. he tried screaming at small children, which usually proves fun. But keener children just aren’t as good at getting screamed at. he tried learning canadian, which is basically the lingual manifestation of a guy trying to beatbox while eating a rather sizeable steak. Ah Learning. The Beatles’ Rubber Soul on vinyl was his only consolation. Or consoulation if we’re being punny which, let’s face it, we totally have to be.  

Anyway, back to the story.  Even as they all swam out of the hole, this was a pretty fricking awesome sight: hundreds upon hundreds of peoples, not all of them human, being lead by Carl, Kermit, Piggy and Arcade Fire (CKPAAF) in a mass exodus. It was like Moses and the Jews except way, way cooler. And Moses is now a 16-year-old boy accompanied by a pig, a frog and a Canadian band. So yeah, pretty biblical stuff.

Again, I’m speaking about keeners in a very metaphorical sense.  I honestly had no idea what to write about so here goes…a very non-fictional story.  Anyway nothing really happened for a couple days so I’m going to skip to the good part.  Carl’s eyes flickered open. Again. This time however, he was in the backseat of the Muppetmobile, in front of a bar named the Naughty Narwhal.  Everything really hurt. Perfectly timed, Arcade Fire was softly playing In the Backseat, Régine singing.

I like the peace

In the backseat
The CKPAAF were no longer in the desert, but driving on a dirt road somewhere in the jungle. he could hear voices at the front of the van. “So sleeping beauty’s awake, ay? Bout darn time.” Definitely Kermit.

I don’t have to drive

I don’t have to speak

He spoke up. Piggy and the rest of the CKPAAF stopped playing In the Backseat and gently walked up to him, suddenly wearing a white coat and a stethoscope and carrying a clipboard. “Carl,” he began “It’s not easy for me to tell you this but,” “Piggy, why are you wearing a doctors outfit?” “Never mind that. As I was saying, it’s not easy for me to tell you this but…but when you were on the roof of a horny rhino’s car, he…well he shoved his horn through the roof and...Carl, I’m so sorry.” Shoot. “Yeah, that would probably explain the rhino-horn-shove feeling.”   “Yea, probably.” 

Partially injured, Carl got a ride to the nearby town he’d recently been to and entered the Naughty Narwhal once more. He sat down “What’s it going to be, eh?,” Carl heard in a British accent. “stirred not shaken,” replied Carl coolly. 007 can have it his way, but stirred is totally the preferable preparation method. Also some wings. “Chicken ain’t even yo species, ‘Mingo,” said Carl when the flamingo got offended. But whatever, wings are awesome. On a lucky guess, the Flamingo’s name actually turned out to be Mingo. “Yeah. I had some lazy parents,” he said. Mingo and Carl actually talked for a bit (for it was Mingo’s break at this time) and eventually he told him his business here.

“I think I may have the guy for you.” So Mingo and the Naughty Narwhal proved useful after all. Mingo directed her to the other end of the restaurant where a figure sat, cloaked in shadow. And a cloak. Cloak guy spoke. It was a familiar voice, but implacable, off. “So whadaya want kid, an autograph?” Then cloak guy took off his cloak in a really unnecessarily melodramatic way. Under the cloak, was a little green frog made of felt who also happened to have a small goatee, not the big Colonel Sanders kind, more of a chin squirrel type of thing. Still calm sounding, Carl asked “What do you know about grey rhino.” So badass it didn’t even need a question mark at the end. The bartender, who she decided to name Amber for no particular reason, froze. “You don’t know what you’re getting into.” “I know well enough.” “No. No you don’t. This is no place for a boy.” “I’m no boy,” he said, fierce this time, as he pulled out his gun. There was an awkward pause and therein Carl realized he didn’t actually have a gun, but rather was holding her fingers like this.

-Illustration-

okay okay I don’t have a picture but you get the point.

For, if you remember, Carl was an expert kickboxer. He smashed a bottle over the head of cloak guy.  A shame to lose a good bottle of Goose, but sometimes desperate measures must be taken. Then quickly out of the ground came a really creepy old elevator, which made a creepy noise and its doors hissed open in a very creepy fashion. Out of the unnecessarily melodramatic mist stepped a figure. A naked fat guy holding a box of Fritos.  I never thought I would ever type that sentence.  “Who wants a partaaaaaay?” he shouted through burps. “Whoops. Wrong elevator.”

How to keep it cool Istambol - Kyle Neese

When you first start your Keener experience, realize how having no air conditioner can be a damper at night (especially in Istambul). So I wanted to tell you about how to keep it cool in Istambul.

Step 1: Find a fan that is not in use.

Step 2: Make sure you pick a bed under a beam going across the room.

Step 3: Make sure the plug in to the fan can reach the nearest outlet from the beam

Step 4: Have a fellow keener hold the fan up to the beam as you duck tape the fan to the beam

Step 5: Once the fan is all nice an secure, plug it in to the outlet.

Step 6: Once the fan is working just sit back, relax, and enjoy.

How to be Stephen Wright - Bennett Fleming

Of all the wonderful aspects of keeners, one of the best would be the coaches. Be it Joel Kowalski or Nick Troutman, all the coaches at keeners are top notch, but none stand out more than Stephen Wright. In my opinion he is the best coach here at keeners, and to pay tribute to his greatness I have created a simple yet effective guide on how to be Steve-O.

Step 1: Be short and bald.
Two of the most defining traits of our fine coach would be his small stature and his striking hair (or lack thereof). If you are naturally short and bald, good job! You have completed step one. For others, some measures may need to be taken. The hair can be attained by simply by shaving the top of your head, but there are options if you are tall. One option is to crouch. Another way is to chop your feet off, a piece of advice Steve-O once gave to keeners that could not fit in their boats. After completion of step, you may proceed to...

Step 2: Give advice.
Here it starts to get more difficult. The trick here is to give advice whether it be good advice, bad advice, or absolutely terrible advice. Some notable examples include: how to cheat at the garbage game, how to lose races, the aforementioned height trick, and various other actual pieces of advice that would help one kayak. Once the tips you give to people around you have them either A: stare at you in disbelief, B: laugh, or C: run away, you have completed step 2 and may proceed to...

Step 3: Be good at kayaking. Like really good.
I'm not joking. Be REALLY good. This includes, but is not limited to: creek boating, hole boating, wave boating, squirt boating, etc. The key to this step is to practice. A lot. Once you have become fantastic at all these types of boating and more, you may proceed to step 4...

Step 4: Smile.
Alright, sarcasm aside, Stephen Wright is an amazing person and one of my personal role models. It doesn't matter if he's critiquing you, telling you to clean up, or even trying to get excited for your own future failures, any action that Steve-O does is never without a smile. I honestly have no tips other than be the best person you can be and smile in whatever you do.

Congratulations! If you successfully complete theses four steps, you will be a short, bald, ,smiling, and wise kayaker that may or may not resemble Stephen Wright. For further tips, try living in a van, or owning a black dog named Black Dog. In the odd yet lovable place that is keeners, you can find the odd yet lovable coach that is Stephen Wright.

Thanks for reading,

Bennett Fleming