Coming into keeners you probably are well aware you’re going to get beatdown from hearing stories-insane Beatdown Thursdays, gnarly fables from the famed Phils Hole. You might even expect a skirt implosion or for the paddle to get snatched clean out of your hands
But what you might not expect… is the paddle to snap and die right in your hands. Which is terrifying, but here’s how to deal with it like a pro.
Step 1- get out of your boat to scout Colosseum rapid with your group eyes bugging out of your head and mouth dropping at the sheer sight with one thought “I’m going to be the first keener fatality on Beatdown Thursday,” then get sent off to take your shot at it.
Step 2- paddle down Colosseum and for reference, if you're trying to take the right sneak line, but it seems like kahuna just keeps getting closer and --bigger-- you probably are not far enough right. Which leads me to step 3
Step 3- Get body checked by big kahuna and proceed to try and roll up at the peak of every wave and miss rolls until you get all the way down into the one spot you are NOT supposed to go-the rock ledge- at this point you’re still trying to roll cause no way are you swimming.
Step 4- The paddle suddenly has no more tension in it you have a sneaking suspicion it just broke and you can’t even tell if you’re still holding onto it as you get dragged over the grating sound of what you can guess is the rock ledge so after all of this you pop your skirt and hold onto the upside down boat as you watch the rescue team come
Step 5- Watch the faces drop of the two keeners who excitedly find your paddle and then are shocked to actually find two paddles, or rather paddle bits.
Step 6- get in an eddy and explain what happened with sorrow but you don’t have to worry about hand paddling the rest of the main channel to the takeout because the other keeners will be really intrigued with your new “C1 Paddle” and keen to give you there paddle as they attempt to use your once beautiful 201 cm 45 degree feather bent shaft double diamond werner paddle you’ve had since you were a kid.
Step 7- Grieve, the loss of a paddle can be hard and sad, but don’t worry, this step usually doesn’t last that long
Step 8- Agree to have a lightsaber battle with the two halves of your paddle and proceed to take lots of pictures and poses with the whole camp to commemorate the loss, and also the cool new story piece
Step 9- take all the jokes that will come your way for the entirety of the rest of your session. Game night? You’ll always make a feature. Renaming rapids for a speech night topic? “Paddle Breaker” was a no-brainer
So to conclude if you break your paddle at keeners it will feel like the end of the world, for maybe 10 minutes, afterward you will have the best inside joke with your session, the greatest motivation to get back out there and conquer the rapids, and overall and most importantly the coolest story to tell from the most wonderful 3 weeks of your life.
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