What REALLY Happens at Keeners - Daniel Mills-Thysen

So I hate to say this, but almost none of what you probably think you know about Keeners is true. Starting with probably the most well known part: the "coaches." They are actually not world famous kayakers, they are pirates.
And instead of teaching us to kayak, they teach us ridiculous things as: How to wear a hook hand,  how to load, aim and shoot, the cannons, how to sail, how to board the rich merchant ships, and most importantly, how to walk the plank. Also, knowing how to grow a huge beard and wear a long coat is a big help.
 Here is a typical day at Keeners. We get up at around three in the morning, pile on the the rowboats, and start practicing our pirate chants. We continue with the ARRRRRRRRRR!s and the SEEEEEAA!s and most importantly, the GAAAAARB!'s. And when the sun comes up, we all retreat back to Keenerville so the other people on the river (rafters, kayakers, and riverboarders) won't see that the Keener program is a fake.
Then we put our pirate costumes: beards, peg legs, hook hands, and long jackets (and short skirts), and then jump on the pirate ship and set the sails for GAAAAAARB. After we arrive, we usually board some rafts and shoot the rafters with our powerful (water) cannons, steal the diamonds, and run away to plunder some lunch from the Wilderness Tours lunch site, and then we will be on our way down the river. We often hang out around Push Button for some surfs (oops, I meant chanting and ship-boarding) and then run out the river through Butcher's Knife (we are the butchers, and have the knives), Colosseum (we are the Romans) and Normans, where we are the invaders (think 1066).
After arriving at the takeout, we stick the ship on the trailer and drive back up to Keenerville before invading Rafters for dinner. After dinner, we come back to Keenerville, where we watch instructional videos on how to be various famous pirates, including Steve-O, the hairy ape.
And that is how a day at Keeners usually goes, with some occasional differences, such as a Bacon Thursday, where we eat bacon, and Comp Friday, where we compete for the biggest stolen diamonds.

Thanks for reading and I hope you enjoyed.